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An Open Letter To My Mom

Hi Mom,

Just wanted to tell you I love you. Living a life with you was so difficult. Everything needs to be organized and perfect. You wanted us to do what you haven't achieve in your life. I wanted to tell you in this letter, what I can't voice out in real life. You are not us. I am not you. I cannot do your dreams. I cannot be who you are. I can't be perfect. I'm sorry if I am a disgrace to our family. I'm sorry if I'm not the perfect daughter you wanted to have. I'm sorry if your not satisfied with my appearance. I'm sorry if you think I'm ugly, even though I think that I'm beautiful in God's eyes.

I'm so sorry if you can't introduce me to your friends. I'm sorry if I can't be like your colleagues daughters. If they were already working overseas, if they have nice car and house, if they have rich boyfriends. I'm sorry if I have my own dreams. I'm sorry if I will not be who they are. I wanted to be what I wanted to be. Life is too short to compare myself to others. I just wanted to be happy, free and achieve all the goals that I wanted.

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I love you even if I hated you. I love you even if it's painful. I love you unconditionally. If we will be both kidnapped and the kidnappers will tell us, only one of us needs to be alive. I will save you and kill myself. That is how I love you so much. I even asked my friends, how can you love and hate the person at the same time? I guess, that's how it is.

How can you hate someone who is blood-related to you? Whatever happens, no one can ever separate you from your relatives. The blood says it all. Your appearance says it all. Even if you disown them. You still know in your heart and mind that you were related.

Just looking at your face, smiling at you, but at the back of my mind, I'm crying inside. Saying, how could I love this person who hates me so much. You love us conditionally. You hated us if we will not follow your orders.

I have my own life which I can't decide on my own. I am on the situation where I am old, but freaking hell can't go out of the house without her permission and needs to be valid.  I needed just a simple break. I feel so exhausted. I feel so alone inside. I feel so depressed.


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